As a result of both the successful September 11 attacks and the increasingly lame follow-up attempts to bring down another jet, airport security has become stricter than a Catholic school nun and more invasive than an enema. Naturally, it now takes longer to get through security than it did a decade ago, and it is becoming increasingly expensive to implement the latest technological countermeasures. This conflict between convenience and safety has not gone unnoticed by the staff here at The Power of Sanity, and after much effort, we have come up with the Sane Solution that meets the needs of all involved.
The Sane Solution is to require all passengers to fly naked. While this recommendation might be met with shock by some, others more observant will have realized that this is the direction the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) itself has chosen to go. Already passengers are required to remove their shoes, jackets, and belts. Shirts, pants, and socks are the logical next step. And since sexual desire is stirred more by imagining what is hidden rather than seeing what is in plain view, it won't be long before conservative groups insist that the underwear be removed as well, thereby completing the TSA’s agenda.
We see, then, that this solution meets all the goals of the TSA. But what about the passengers? They win as well. Currently, much time is wasted emptying pockets and passing through metal detectors. But when passengers are naked, there are no pockets to empty. There are no forgotten coins or keys to set off the detectors, leading to awkward and embarrassing additional screening. Furthermore, the heated debate over the new screening machines that can “see through clothes” will be rendered moot. The machines won’t be needed; even if they were used, they could no longer be accused of invading anyone’s privacy.
Moreover, the reductions in the dependence on expensive technology and the speeding up of the process of security will result in monetary savings for the airports and airlines. These savings, in turn, could then be passed on to the passengers in the form of lower ticket prices or the return of free peanuts. So the Sane Solution meets the goals of the passengers, as well.
Furthermore, there are additional benefits that will come about as side-effects. The greatest of these side effects will likely be, paradoxically, a reduction in the unhealthy uses of sex so prevalent in our society. The truth is that nowadays, thanks to wide-spread obesity, seeing the average human body naked tends to reduce sexual desire. Imagine, if you dare, a hairy middle-aged man with a beer gut bending over in the middle of the airport to tie his shoe. Imagine your Aunt Ethel – the one with the hair growing out of the mole on her face and the sagging breasts that have nourished your five cousins – lifting her carry-on bag and cramming it in the overhead compartment while naked. Need we say more?
Finally, if your greatest fears of flying come from the nightmare scenario of a terrorist salivating at the thought of bringing the plane down, rest assured. Most terrorists claim adherence to religious beliefs that allow them to blow innocent people into oblivion, but that do not permit nudity.
This is the Sane Solution.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Koran Burning Debacle
These days, there has been much talk of Reverend Terry Jones's choice to burn the Koran on the anniversary of the September 11 attacks. Many have begged him to rethink this alleged pointless act. "Think of the repercussions!" they sob. "There will be a cry for blood. Innocent people will be killed as a result."
Herein lies the key to the Sane Solution. There is a way to make everyone happy. The Reverend Terry Jones (not to be confused with Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones) wants to stir up the radicals. But if you're going to do it, do it right. Don't do anything half-assed. My call to Terry is to be a complete ass.
You're not going to stir up many extremists in Florida. When you want to stir up hornets, you have to go to their nest to throw your rocks. That is why the Sane Solution is this: President Obama should fly the Reverend Jones to Afghanistan. Drop him off in a town that is an extremist stronghold, and let him burn the Koran there. Not only will burning the Koran on Afghan soil be more provocative, there will also be more copies of the Koran available to burn. We have met - nay, exceeded - the goals of the Reverend Terry Jones.
The extremists, as a result, will desire revenge on the Reverend Terry Jones. Our Sane Solution now makes that not only possible, but also very convenient. There will be no need for false passport and false pretenses to get into the US. There will be no need for long hours of English study. He will be there among them, ripe for the picking. They can kill him as quickly or as slowly as they desire. We provide the object of their wrath, they supply the wrath. And that simply, we have met the goals of the radicals.
The final group of people this Sane Solution must please are those who fear the spilling of innocent blood. By allowing the extremists to have their way with the Reverend Terry Jones, we allow them to exact their revenge. There is no longer the need to kill innocent victims. The only one who will come to harm is the Reverend Terry Jones. And the one thing that we can all agree on is that his departure from this world would be no great loss.
This is the Sane Solution.
Herein lies the key to the Sane Solution. There is a way to make everyone happy. The Reverend Terry Jones (not to be confused with Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones) wants to stir up the radicals. But if you're going to do it, do it right. Don't do anything half-assed. My call to Terry is to be a complete ass.
You're not going to stir up many extremists in Florida. When you want to stir up hornets, you have to go to their nest to throw your rocks. That is why the Sane Solution is this: President Obama should fly the Reverend Jones to Afghanistan. Drop him off in a town that is an extremist stronghold, and let him burn the Koran there. Not only will burning the Koran on Afghan soil be more provocative, there will also be more copies of the Koran available to burn. We have met - nay, exceeded - the goals of the Reverend Terry Jones.
The extremists, as a result, will desire revenge on the Reverend Terry Jones. Our Sane Solution now makes that not only possible, but also very convenient. There will be no need for false passport and false pretenses to get into the US. There will be no need for long hours of English study. He will be there among them, ripe for the picking. They can kill him as quickly or as slowly as they desire. We provide the object of their wrath, they supply the wrath. And that simply, we have met the goals of the radicals.
The final group of people this Sane Solution must please are those who fear the spilling of innocent blood. By allowing the extremists to have their way with the Reverend Terry Jones, we allow them to exact their revenge. There is no longer the need to kill innocent victims. The only one who will come to harm is the Reverend Terry Jones. And the one thing that we can all agree on is that his departure from this world would be no great loss.
This is the Sane Solution.
The Promise of Sanity
These days, it seems like the world is going crazy. There are many empty words dedicated towards bringing people together, but few practical solutions. Here at The Power of Sanity, our staff is dedicated to finding these solutions. We scour the world looking for intractable problems, and pride ourselves on coming up with Sane Solutions that meet the demands of all involved. Here, we link arms with all beauty pageant contestants the world over and make our cry for world peace.
Our staff are carefully vetted to ensure that they have no personal agendas. Each member of our team must sign an agreement that they will belong to no particular political party, religion, race, or gender. They can be neither heterosexual nor homosexual nor bi. They are not allowed to hold opinions, nor are they allowed to refrain from having an opinion. They are all things to all people, and yet are nothing at all. They might be your father, your sister, your mailman. They might be the woman pushing the shopping cart through the parking lot while mumbling to herself.
The only thing that they are not is intolerant, because here at The Power of Sanity, intolerance is the one thing that we will not tolerate. That is the promise and the Power of Sanity
Our staff are carefully vetted to ensure that they have no personal agendas. Each member of our team must sign an agreement that they will belong to no particular political party, religion, race, or gender. They can be neither heterosexual nor homosexual nor bi. They are not allowed to hold opinions, nor are they allowed to refrain from having an opinion. They are all things to all people, and yet are nothing at all. They might be your father, your sister, your mailman. They might be the woman pushing the shopping cart through the parking lot while mumbling to herself.
The only thing that they are not is intolerant, because here at The Power of Sanity, intolerance is the one thing that we will not tolerate. That is the promise and the Power of Sanity
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