Airport Security

As a result of both the successful September 11 attacks and the increasingly lame follow-up attempts to bring down another jet, airport security has become stricter than a Catholic school nun and more invasive than an enema. Naturally, it now takes longer to get through security than it did a decade ago, and it is becoming increasingly expensive to implement the latest technological countermeasures. This conflict between convenience and safety has not gone unnoticed by the staff here at The Power of Sanity, and after much effort, we have come up with the Sane Solution that meets the needs of all involved.

The Sane Solution is to require all passengers to fly naked. While this recommendation might be met with shock by some, others more observant will have realized that this is the direction the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) itself has chosen to go. Already passengers are required to remove their shoes, jackets, and belts. Shirts, pants, and socks are the logical next step. And since sexual desire is stirred more by imagining what is hidden rather than seeing what is in plain view, it won't be long before conservative groups  insist that the underwear be removed as well, thereby completing the TSA’s agenda. 

We see, then, that this solution meets all the goals of the TSA. But what about the passengers? They win as well. Currently, much time is wasted emptying pockets and passing through metal detectors. But when passengers are naked, there are no pockets to empty. There are no forgotten coins or keys to set off the detectors, leading to awkward and embarrassing additional screening. Furthermore, the heated debate over the new screening machines that can “see through clothes” will be rendered moot. The machines won’t be needed; even if they were used, they could no longer be accused of invading anyone’s privacy.

Moreover, the reductions in the dependence on expensive technology and the speeding up of the process of  security will result in monetary savings for the airports and airlines. These savings, in turn, could then be passed on to the passengers in the form of lower ticket prices or the return of free peanuts. So the Sane Solution meets the goals of the passengers, as well.

Furthermore, there are additional benefits that will come about as side-effects. The greatest of these side effects will likely be, paradoxically, a reduction in the unhealthy uses of sex so prevalent in our society. The truth is that nowadays, thanks to wide-spread obesity, seeing the average human body naked tends to reduce sexual desire. Imagine, if you dare, a hairy middle-aged man with a beer gut bending over in the middle of the airport to tie his shoe. Imagine your Aunt Ethel – the one with the hair growing out of the mole on her face and the sagging breasts that have nourished your five cousins – lifting her carry-on bag and cramming it in the overhead compartment while naked. Need we say more?

Finally, if your greatest fears of flying come from the nightmare scenario of a terrorist salivating at the thought of bringing the plane down, rest assured. Most terrorists claim adherence to religious beliefs that allow them to blow innocent people into oblivion, but that do not permit nudity. 

This is the Sane Solution.